Attachment and Goodbyes as a TCK Therapist
Goodbyes are exhausting.
As TCKs we say goodbye a lot. There is a lot of talk around the “right” and “wrong” ways to “say goodbye well”.
Well, now that I am a therapist, I have a different kind of language and understanding around the whole heartbreaking, callousing drama of TCK goodbyes. In the therapy world, it’s all just attachment. How we attach to people in the first place, how we conceptualize what our relationship with them means, how we navigate growing distance between ourselves and others, how we learn to break or bend those bonds, how/if we internalize any of this and understand it as a reflection on our inherent personhood.
There is probably a whole book that could be written about TCKs and attachment styles. (if there already is one, please send me a link!) That is a much bigger topic for another time. But I do want to share a little reflection about what its like on the therapist side of things. As a TCK. Who is also a therapist.
There are a lot of strange things about being a therapist. But one of them is the profound depth of emotional intimacy that is built within the therapeutic relationship. One-sided-intimacy, of course. But it’s still a profoundly deep and close relationship to experience as a client AND as a therapist.
It’s no secret that clients can get attached to their therapists. But did you know that therapist can get attached to their clients too? Because therapy is just a different type of relationship between two people, and a therapist is a person too.
And that also means that when a client discharges from therapy services, it means saying goodbye to a relationship. I am currently in a phase of life where I am having to say a lot of client goodbyes and it is opening me up to a lot of reflection on my own “TCK goodbyes” stuff. I have had some beautiful moments of learning from my clients, of experiencing mutual gratefulness for being able to share part of their journey with them, and some deep, soul-searching conversations with co-workers - other therapists who can relate and share wisdom and advice about how to navigate these situations.
Here are some things that I have learned/realized/been encouraged by these past few weeks. I share these because I truly believe that they can apply to most types of relationships:
People don’t have to be in your life forever in order for them to play an important and unforgettable role in a specific chapter.
It is a beautiful privilege to walk with someone in the hardest parts of their life, to be selected, and trusted, and known as safe. No matter how long this chapter is, or how long the relationship lasts, it is worth it for exactly what it is.
It can feel deeply sad to not be able to see how the story ends. What kids grow up to do or be. How situations pan out after you leave. And that’s okay.
Sometimes the outcome of therapy - or any relationship - is that it helps people be more open to that type of relationship with other people in the future. To not be afraid of sharing their emotions. Or that all people will just judge them or try to “fix” them. And that’s a good outcome.
It can be hard to acknowledge your own emotions when you’re holding other people’s emotions. Not just as a therapist. This can be true in any situation where you are navigating a change together like a family or a friend group. Especially for people who have caretaker roles or personalities. It’s good and kind and sometimes the right thing to do to prioritize other people’s emotions before your own when specific relationships and situations call for it. But that doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there and don’t deserve to be cared for in their own time. You are important too.
In summary: I am learning that there really is no perfect way to “say goodbye well”. It will always be messy. It’s more important to show kindness and love to BOTH people in the relationship that is ending - including yourself - than to try to do things perfectly.
<3
