Resistance and Reengagement
I used to hate snow. And winter. And just the cold in general. Growing up on the equator I always attributed it to "not being used to the cold". But I've spent 12 winters in the states now and TCKs are nothing if not adaptable. So at a certain point it was no longer about "not being used to it". It was about not WANTING to be used to it.
Not wanting to give up that part of me that was "used to" Uganda. Not wanting to accept that I traded in sunny, dry season Decembers, for snowy, skii-season winters.
But here’s the thing. Sometimes the things we hate aren't actually about that specific thing, but rather what that thing represents. So did I really hate the snow? Or did accepting or even liking winters in America somehow feel like I was moving on from my life in Uganda - that I was adapting, or even appreciating life in America.
Even just typing that sentence out feels a little gross. And the reason for that? Resistance to loss. Wanting to hold on to a life and an identity that feels further and further away the older I get.
Is there anything in your life that feels a bit like that? Something that you strongly dislike or refuse to engage with and even though you tell yourself it’s about that thing, deep down you know its about something else?
If any of you relate to this experience - whether it's about snow or not - I get it. I see you. Your feelings make sense. And there is a way to experience your life differently if you want to.
Somewhere in the last few years I figured this out and I started to actively challenge myself to stop comparing my past and present lives. I've made the choices I’ve made for a reason. Why not try to embrace where I am now and look for the beauty in the things around me? That doesn't mean I won't miss Uganda. It just means I can ALSO appreciate where I am now. And start to be a little less miserable when it's snowy out. Because I can choose not to be.
Yes I still live with those feelings of loss and that resistance to integration into this country I have chosen to live in. However, I can acknowledge and sit with that loss. It’s ok. It can be there. But you know what else will be here? Me enjoying myself in the snow this year. I can miss Uganda and still have fun this winter. Both can be true. In fact. Once I made this decision to hold both things in my life at once, I actually CHOSE. to move to the snowiest place I have lived in my life so far. Not because I somehow did a 360 and now love the thing I used to hate. It was definitely a career + finances + lifestyle decision. But I did not let my resistance to winter (and everything that that represented) be the reason I didn’t make that move.
So how does one actually do this?
1) Self-awareness. Do a deep dive into what that resistance is all about. Therapy is a great space to do this in, but you can also reflect with trusted people or on your own through journaling or art making or whatever works for you.
2) Self-compassion. Try to hold space for that loss and give yourself permission to reengage with the world you live in. It’s not about pushing down the loss. Or ignoring how hard it is to engage. It’s about showing yourself kindness and acknowledging the complexity of the situation and just accepting it for what it is. Not fighting against it. This is definitely easier said that done. Again, therapy would be a great space to figure out how to do this.
3) A little mindful attention to the present moment. Which means, open your eyes and your mind and let yourself see the place you live, the situation you live in for exactly what it is - not what your internal narrative tells you it is. Sure the internal narrative will still pop up - it’s used to being there. But instead of letting it color your experience, just acknowledge it, let it pass, and then keep being present.
4) Find something or someone to help you engage with that resistance in a new way. For me, my dog has played a huge role in this. He LOVES snow. And I love him and get so much joy from watching him jump around like a grass hopper, burying himself in snow drifts and then leaping out again just so he can chase snow balls and try to catch snow flakes. The snow itself isn’t bringing me joy, but the activity does, and it’s slowly by slowly loosening that old internal narrative, and replacing it with a new one associated with these new joyful memories.
Over time the old internal narratives will become less and less automatic and will be replaced by a habit of being present and choosing to engage in activities that bring joy or value to your life. And that’s what living life technically is, right? Just living - being - doing?
If this at all resonated with you - if there is a metaphorical “snow” in your life too - Just know that you are not broken, your feelings make sense, and there is another way to experience your life if you want to.
And as always, if you need a little helping hand, I’m here for you.
<3 Maria
