Things I appreciate about growing up as a TCK
In my very first internship in grad school, I learned about a mindset called “both/and”. It’s a way of looking at the world and our experiences that validates that multiple things can still be true even if they might feel conflicting at times. For example: the earth can be round, and the horizon flat. Both can be true at the same time. When this mindset is applied to our emotions it means validating that we can feel two different, distinct, and possibly conflicting emotions at the same time. Like feeling happy for someone while also feeling loss for yourself. Or knowing that something feels hard and while also being satisfying to accomplish. Pain and joy. Anger and love. Hurt and pride.
I think that the TCK life is defined by the both/and. It is hard to leave your home as a child and experience all the hardship that comes with that. AND. It is super cool that now your vacations look like safaris, your birthday parties are going rafting on the Nile, and you get to go hiking in extinct volcanoes every weekend. Life is hard. And fun. Both are equally true.
So in an effort to balance out the TCK content out here on the web about how difficult this life is, I want to dedicate this post to the things I appreciate and love about my childhood as a TCK. I am not negating the things that are hard. I am not bragging about how this life is better than anyone else’s. I am normalizing that you can appreciate the good without negating the hard.
I will start out with the biggest and perhaps the most complex both/and of my life (and one I think many TCKs will resonate with):
I constantly feel the weight of not having a hometown. When I hang out with people who grew up in one place, who can identify “their people”, their customs, their accent, and who have decades of experiences in one part of the world, I cannot help but wish I knew what that felt like. And I also feel a huge sense of loss that I do not and cannot have that particular kind of belonging.
AND.
I am also so thankful that I was raised in multiple places, because it meant I was nurtured by a multiplicity of different cultures, languages, and worldviews. I was thrown into a true mixing pot of people who were different from me and I learned how to look at the world in a way I don’t think I would have had I never left my birth country.
When I consider these complex feelings, I feel both grief over what I can never have, and true sincere gratefulness for how my lot in life shaped me.
It is so important to recognize BOTH of these very real experiences and not to let one side overshadow the other. Yet, it can sometimes be difficult to give space for the positives when the negatives feel so much bigger and scarier. It takes work and intentional time and space.
So let me go first.
Here are some other things that I appreciate and am grateful for about my TCK upbringing:
I learned how to connect with people who are different from me. This is maybe the biggest strength that this upbringing has gifted me. Yes, it’s nice when you find someone you have things in common with. But the fact is, if you are only ever friends with people who are like you, then you miss out on so much. Not just the pleasure of meeting cool people, but learning from them, learning how to bond over differences, how to have conversations and interactions based on curiosity and not just how to make yourself more comfortable.
I am also very good at communicating with people nonverbally. You know, facial expressions, gestures, body language etc. When you don’t speak the same verbal language as other people, picking up on nonverbals is a lifeline. (And also turns out to be an important skill as a therapist!)
I developed excellent self-awareness and general observation skills. I don’t know about you, but when I am in a new cultural environment, I want to make sure I am not accidentally offending anyone. So I pay attention to EVERYTHING (maybe sometimes to a fault) What clothes are other people wearing; how do they interact with each other; how do people greet each other on the road; what hand do you use for what task; do other people make eye contact with each other when they talk; when and where do they take off their shoes; how, when, where and on what do people sit down…..the list of things goes on and on. And then I use these observations to make sure I am being respectful. Yes I know that there are pros and cons to this tendency depending on the situation, but no one can deny that it is a SKILL.
I grew up being able to pick guavas, avocados, lemons, tamarinds, mangoes, passion fruit, bananas, pumpkins, wild mushrooms and much much more in my yard in Uganda and it was amazing.
I am truly excellent at packing. Specifically, I am very good at packing exactly 50 lbs into a piece of checked luggage, and wrapping everything to ensure that nothing will break or spill.
I do not get overwhelmed at airports. In fact, I feel very comfortable and at peace (and dare I say a sense of belonging?) in them. Life makes sense to me in airports. I did not realize that this was a thing to be thankful for until I realized that most people are not like that.
Being exposed to a lot of cultures as a child also meant I was exposed to a lot of different types of food and ways of cooking from around the world. I truly love exploring new cuisines and learning how to cook new things. It’s like having eyes that can see another dimension of color. I truly think life would be a lot more boring if I did not have an appreciation and curiosity for foods from different parts of the world.
I have a whole memory bank full of fun, cool, beautiful memories that would not have existed if I had not moved as a kid. Some of these are stories for telling and others are not. Some are shared with people, some are just me and my thoughts and observations. Sometimes I forget about them, as if those memories belonged to a different person in a different reality. But when I remember them, they make me smile. It’s like I have a treasure chest full of precious gemstones. I am happy that this life gave me those gemstones, even though there was often hard stuff mixed in too.
The whole point of me telling you this is to help you think about your upbringing in a way that makes space for both the hard and the good. What things do you appreciate? What strengths do you have because of this life? What do you like about being a TCK? (without negating the things you might not like about it.)
If you have never thought about this before, what would it be like to sit down and write your both/ands?
Just start with “Life was hard AND here are a few things that I appreciate:”
And then create your own list.
You never know, you might surprise yourself!
